our disastrous doctor visit

Let me preface this entry by saying we live in a rural area. The part of the country we live in is breathtakingly gorgeous, with a national park, prime fly-fishing areas, and snow-capped peaks eleven months of the year.

We are not known for top-notch medical care. That's not to say our area doesn't have some stellar physicians, from whom I personally and our son as well have received excellent care. But for anything life-threatening, people are usually put on the Flight for Life helicopter and flown to Denver or Springs.

I still felt that our pediatrician should have caught the connection between Chloe's eczema and her milk allergy, so I asked around if there was another pediatrician I could go to. Our daycare director mentioned there was a new pediatrician so I scheduled Chloe's one-month checkup with her. I felt bad, as though I was betraying our regular pediatrician, but I thought, Chloe's care has to come first.

When I met her, I wasn't sure what to think. As the visit progressed I felt as though I were being talked down to. Chloe isn't my first child, and we had been through many of the same issues before with Andrew, and compared to a lot of people around us, we were pretty decent parents.

I felt more and more uncomfortable. Finally this doc mentioned the words that gripped my heart with fear: "failure to thrive." Chloe weighed in, at 13 months, at just shy of sixteen pounds. I was terrified that there was something really wrong with her.

The doc prescribed that I smear peanut butter on everything she ate, and if she didn't improve after three weeks that she would run more tests. She also prescribed that I give her Pediasure, one bottle a day. I said that she was very likely allergic to milk because of the experience we had with the yogurt. I asked, what if she's allergic to peanuts?

The doc responded sharply, "We don't know that, do we?"

I felt like I was going to explode with panic. I couldn't stop getting those words out of my head, "failure to thrive." Was my baby girl, my precious, happy darling girl, in trouble?

I started crying, and the doc hugged me and said, "Has anyone told you this is your fault? Come on now."

What?!?!? My fault?!? It never crossed my mind to make it about me. I was worried about Chloe. The bitch.

I left the doctor's office and went to Walmart and got two jars of peanut butter and five cases of Pediasure. As we left the lobby I put some in a cup for Chloe, who drank a few tablespoons eagerly before she threw the bottle down.

By the time we got to the car (and we had parked in the front of the lot near the store) Chloe was crying, hoarse, breathing hard--clearly having an allergic reaction to the milk in the pediasure.

I strapped her in, revved the car and zoomed back to the doctor's office. I'm sure I cut somebody off. I was so mad I could hardly think. I wasn't sure if I was more mad at the doc, or at myself. A lot of things had just happened, at Chloe's expense, that shouldn't have happened, and I was as at fault as anyone.

When I got back to the office, the first person who saw me was our old pediatrician. She calmed me down and got a nurse to get Benadryl for Chloe. Once Chloe's reaction was under control and she had stopped crying, she explained again about the growth charts. I told her the other doc had said that Chloe might have failure to thrive. She responded by saying that doctors say certain things partially out of their experience.

I imagined that where this doctor was from, she might well have seen very many cases of failure to thrive because of poor nutrition caused by lack of proper food for the mothers, or illness caused by unclean water sources.

It took a while for that incident to work its way out of my system. It was several weeks before it was a good time to return the pediasure to WalMart. I cancelled the three-week follow-up visit I'd scheduled because it fell on a school day.

Later on, Daniel talked to one of his colleagues, who happens to be an M.D., and she said that the best thing for babies and children with regard to their doctor is someone who has seen them and been with them since their birth, and knows their history and the parents. Someone who jumps in in the middle doesn't see the whole story as well.

But the lessons I took to heart that day were the most valuable. 1) TRUST MY MOMMY INSTINCT. Chloe was developing fine, I knew in my heart, she was just tiny, and I let the doc take advantage of that fear. 2) Never give her anything to eat or drink that someone else tells me to just because they tell me to, even if that person is a doctor.

I try to look at the positive in this, as always, and I learned that with regard to Chloe and her allergies, my mommy instinct was probably the best safeguard for her. If I felt the need to check on her, I did. If I felt the need to say no, she can't have that, it was MY call and no one else's.

Let me repeat: Trust your Mommy Instinct.